So drunk its hurt
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Randomize
