my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
