My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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