Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
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