Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
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