I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
