my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I'm passing your future prison.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I see more hoeing in ur future
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