oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
