Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize