Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
