Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
