Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
