My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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