he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Randomize
