This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
The power of my boobs compel you
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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