I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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