I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
