If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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