i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
