my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
