I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
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