Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
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