My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
