I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I came so hard my ears popped.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
