cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Randomize
