theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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