I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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