Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Randomize
