My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
