i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
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