dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
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