I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
