I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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