My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
