Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
