1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
