sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
