Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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