Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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