If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
