Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
