Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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