My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
