you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
