the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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