Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Randomize
