Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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