Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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