So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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