My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
