finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
