I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
