I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
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