Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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