my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
