When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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