There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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