Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
