i will never coherently bang her
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
