went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
