your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Randomize
