the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
