I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Randomize
