my phone needs a breathalizer
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
did i just pee glitter
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
