My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
