i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
