i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
