I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
he was CRYING into my vagina
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Randomize
