take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
