just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
