that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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