things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize