so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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