made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
you win again, gameday.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
