My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
