I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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